Restore Biblical Respect Between Pastors and Their Church Families

Care for the flock that God has entrusted to you. Watch over it willingly, not grudgingly—not for what you will get out of it, but because you are eager to serve God. Don’t lord it over the people assigned to your care, but lead them by your own good example. And when the Great Shepherd appears, you will receive a crown of never-ending glory and honor. 1 Peter 5:2-4 NLT

A Google search will confirm for you that in the United States respect for pastors is at an all time low. Part of this is because respect for the Bible itself is at an all time low. However, we have all, at one time or another, had a pastor who abused his position and influence and abused the flock he was entrusted to care for. This is very unfortunate for the entire Christian community. Speaking as someone who has spent plenty of time in the church as a lay member, and plenty of time as a full-time Bible worker and now as a pastor, I have seen the damage this does to both sides. Lay members have been betrayed at the hands of their “protector.” That is damaging enough, but the damage continues when a young new pastor comes in and is disrespected by those who were abused by a previous pastor and are now taking it out with abusive behavior towards the new pastor who only came to love and to serve.

Again, having spent plenty of time on both sides, I know lay members who have been mistreated and outright abused by a pastor. This breaks my heart, as a sacred trust has been betrayed.

I also meet with and pray with younger pastors who are coming into the ranks and are being treated disrespectfully and, yes, even abused by their lay members, because of what a pastor in their recent or distant past did to them. This breaks my heart also, as new pastors are being shunned and disrespected while only wanting to love and serve their church family.

Something biblical and important for us to remember is that just as an abusive father does not diminish the respect that belongs to a loving father, just as an abusive teacher does not diminish the respect that belongs to a loving teacher, so an abusive pastor does not diminish the respect that is due to a loving pastor. Don’t throw away the eleven disciples just because there was a Judas.

Moses was the meekest of men, but He still was called by God to lead. And God dealt with those who disrespected His servant/leader. I rub shoulders with many new young pastors who want to serve God and lead their flock humbly as Moses did, but before they can even begin, an older lay member, who had a bitter experience with another pastor in the distant past never gives the new pastor a chance. The lay member tells the new pastor “This is my turf.” Now the lay member who was mistreated by a previous pastor’s abuse is now carrying out the same abuse and mistreatment on to the new pastor. The abused lay member is now abusing the new pastor.

Fact is that the church is God’s turf. And God has led both the lay member and pastor to serve together on God’s turf.

So how do we bring this cycle of mistreatment and disrespect to an end? How do we restore the respect that is due to both the pastor and the lay member?
First, I believe we all need to,

Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Colossians 3:13 NLT

Even when being mistreated, we sometimes need to relax. Sometimes we accuse a pastor or even lay member of abusing their position or stepping outside their bounds when, in reality they were only trying to go the extra mile to help. Keep in mind also we have not all had the best role models when it comes to those in “authority.”

A while back, I was sharing with a couple of teachers something one of my teachers did in a classroom way back in the day, that would be considered outright abuse today, but back in my school days it was never even questioned. While leaders should be able to follow the example of their leaders, the fact is it may not always be best. Sometimes we follow the example of others, thinking it’s best when it is not. The fact that we have not always been given the best examples, and the fact that we all make well-meaning mistakes should encourage us all to follow the counsel in Colossians 3:13.

As iron sharpens iron so a friend sharpens a friend. Proverbs 27:17 NLT

Another way to make sure we all serve and lead well together is to have open and frank conversations. I have discovered it is very important to have expectation meetings and follow up on those meetings to see if expectations are being met. A new pastor needs to sit down with the board members and department leaders and discuss openly and candidly what each one expects from the other. Also discuss how each one sees his or her own role. In some churches the pastor picks the hymns, in other churches the organist does. The pastor and organist need to sit down and discuss who picks the hymns in this church. And if the organist picks the hymns she should not get bent out of shape if the pastor decides to change the hymn at the last second, though it would be wise for him to know first if she even knows how to play it. And if the pastor chooses the hymns, he should not get all bent out of shape if the organist says she had to change it because she can’t play it or maybe she already knows the congregation can’t sing it.

That’s just one example, but you get the picture. We need to have open and frank conversations about our roles and expectations. At the same time, we must be flexible and forgiving. But being flexible and forgiving does not mean avoiding conversations that need to take place.

The pastor and congregation can have great respect for one another when Phillipians 2:3 is carried out by all involved.

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Phillipians 2:3 NLT

In a perfect church, the pastor respects the congregation, and the congregation respects the pastor. If either one stops respecting the other, the church will become unbalanced and unhealthy. By being humble and forgiving, by having candid and open conversations about expectations, and not avoiding conversations that need to take place, we can restore the respect and cooperation that is needed between pastors and their flock.