What is the Difference Between Mentoring and Grooming?

A while back I was watching my favorite show at the time, Unsolved Mysteries. This episode was about a young boy who was mentored by a young man. Since it was “Unsolved Mysteries,” where we’re often told to call their phone number to catch the bad guys, I was bracing myself for the turn in the story, when the man would harm the boy. That time never came. Instead the boy, now grown, was using the show to find his mentor, to thank him for being such a great friend in his time of need. It turned out to be a heart warming story about an adult mentoring a child.

Image © Providence Collection from GoodSalt.com

Sadly the media often share the horror stories which have made a few of my friends, both male and female, afraid to mentor children, even though they would make amazing mentors. The horror stories, sadly mostly true, that get passed from church to church, scare legitimate mentors away from helping children as well. They do not want their intentions to be misconstrued.

A while back in a school where I was working, I heard an excellent discussion about child safety, which mentioned grooming. “Grooming” is when an adult with ill intentions, over time gains the trust of a child, only to abuse that trust. During the talk, it occurred to me exactly why some would-be great mentors refuse to mentor. Is it possible that, to them, mentoring and grooming look alike? After all, Satan has to have his counterfeit for everything good. He knows how vitally important mentoring is, so he wants his counterfeit, grooming, to look like mentoring. This gives him a double victory. He can destroy innocent lives through grooming and make good people afraid to mentor for fear they will be considered groomers. As a matter of fact, before I started writing this, I googled, “Mentoring and grooming,” and I found a website saying that grooming and mentoring are synonyms! That gave me a hunch that I may be on to something.

So I thought it might be a good idea if potential mentors could have a clear picture of mentoring and a clear picture of grooming, so they could tell them apart. I realize I am not an authority on the subject, so I would like to paint a picture of both just to get the ball rolling, and, hopefully, some people a lot more skilled than I am, can chime in and agree or disagree and add some insight. Here goes:

Mentoring

A coach works with a group of children and other adult coaches to give each child a sense of belonging to the group and community. When a particular child needs extra coaching, a parents and/or child approaches the coach, and the coach gives the extra instruction on the group site, only as requested and needed. The goal of the coach is to get the child back into the group mainstream. The coach networks to get the child the help he/she needs. If Sally needs extra help memorizing her Sabbath School memory verse, the coach will share tips, like word associations, and then encourage other students and/or coaches to practice with Sally. The coach wants Sally to feel like she is a valued part of the community and trains Sally to be a useful and healthy member of the group and community. Regardless of the genders of the mentor and child, regardless of how long the mentor has known the family, regardless of how close the mentor is to the family, legitimate mentors will never allow themselves to be alone with the child. Mentoring is community driven and social in nature.

Grooming

A coach may meet a child in a group but then isolate the child from the group, under the guise that the child needs extra and “special” training that only the coach can give. The coach may even claim that Sally should not be working with others, as she may become “confused” by the tips others may give her, along with the tips the coach provides. The coach wants Sally to feel like she is special when she is alone with the coach, instead of feeling special to the entire group. Instead of training Sally to be a healthy member of the group and community, the coach teaches Sally to rely on her/him and the special instruction only she/he can give. When a groomer suggests they have known the child long enough and are close enough to the family to be alone with the child, remember a legitimate mentor will never allow themselves to be alone with the child, regardless of how long or well they know the family, even if they are the same gender as the child. A groomer plans on being alone with the child one day. A mentor never plans on being alone the child-ever. Grooming is one-on-one driven, and is isolating in nature.

I hope together, we can give a clear picture of what healthy mentoring looks like, as boys and girls can use, not one or two, but many positive male and female mentors in their lives. The more the merrier – and the healthier!