I have had a hard time accepting God and His actions. Just this past summer, I watched and cared for my grandmother while she died of cancer, something no ten-year-old should ever have to experience. I prayed to God that He would save her life. He didn’t, at least not in the way I had hoped. I now know that our method of saving could mean more pain and suffering.

The month she died physically, I died spiritually. I was angry with God for letting her die. I wouldn’t let Him or anyone else who loved me or cared about me into my heart. It was stone cold, so that only the devil could get in. In that way, I died too. But I wouldn’t talk about my troubles to anyone. I kept it bottled up inside of me and would have frequent outbursts. It has not yet been a year since this tragedy happened, but I am softening my heart, knowing that in my head I want to let God in, knowing I need to want that in my heart, as well.

God has saved my grandmother in a way that I may never understand. But I do know that, long before I came, she accepted Him into her heart. I hope to follow in her footsteps, and accept God into my life, as well. In the short time that I was with her, I got to know a lot of things about her. Some of her likes and dislikes, her favorite foods, and her not-so-favorite gummy bear flavors.

I didn’t know much about her, before that. But I do know that when I arrive at God’s city, I will have a wonderful second chance to see her again, and have thousand of years to get to know her. There will be no death there, and all will be well. Sometimes, we may not see the blessings in our life through our anger and sadness. But as the song Blessings states, “And what if your blessings come through raindrops, and what if your healing comes through tears, and what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near.” Through that song, I have let God soften and enter my heart, knowing that all of my greatest disappointments are His mercies in disguise.

I have been taking baptismal classes with fellow church members to prepare me for my baptism in a couple of weeks. I am thrilled to be getting baptized because I believe it means I’m getting that much closer to God–and it helps me realize all He has done for me and my family.

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