I did it. I did it? I DID IT?! I DID IT!!!! I just passed the oral defense of my dissertation proposal! I can’t believe it! If you’re not familiar with the process (which I wasn’t until a few years ago), here’s how it works. A doctoral student, (in this case, me), learns everything possible there is to learn about a subject, comes up with questions about the topic that, up until now, have remained unanswered, and then the doctoral student comes up with a project that will answer one or more of those questions. Make sense? (Yeah, I don’t get it either)
You can only imagine the things that were going through my head as I embarked on a journey that I didn’t quite understand. These thoughts included, but are not limited to:
- How is it possible that I made it to this point in the program without having learned anything?
- Is it possible that I’ve gotten dumber?!
- What would REALLY happen if I packed up my car and me and my puppy ran away forever?
- Who do I think I am?! I’m not smart enough to do this!
I don’t know if you can tell, but the underlying all of those thoughts is my worst enemy, anxiety. I can safely say that I’ve spent the better part of the last month afraid. Like hiding under the covers afraid. I prayed and asked others to pray for me, but my fear seemed to consume me most of the time.
Until one day, earlier this week when I found a devotional book that I had long been ignoring: Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young. I opened it up and on that very day, the topic was anxiety. The very first sentence blew me away (meant to be read as if Jesus were speaking): “Anxiety is a result of envisioning a future without me.”
I know that Jesus wanted me to find that devotional on that particular day to read that particular sentence. That experience is nothing short of a miracle for me. I wish I could say, I never felt afraid again, but I did. But each time anxiety came over me, I’d remember to think of Jesus being at my side, carrying me through whatever situation was scaring me. I thank God for speaking to me so clearly!
“When I am afraid, I will put my trust in you.” (Psalm 56:3, NLT).
Note: In writing this, I want to make sure that I’m very clear about the nature of anxiety. For some people, it’s a very real, debilitating disorder that can’t be cured by reading a random sentence in a long lost devotional book. If you are one of those people, please seek out help. Jesus made therapists too, you know.
Jael Amador writes from New York, New York
Read more at the source: A Future Without Me
Article excerpt posted on en.intercer.net from Answers for Me.