SILVER SPRING, Maryland — According to trembling eyewitnesses, the Adult Sabbath School class at Oakview Seventh-day Adventist Church came perilously close to a full schism last Sabbath after discovering that the beloved fellowship hall piano had been moved approximately two inches to the left. Members entering the room for lesson study were reportedly struck by […] Source: https://atoday.org/satire-adult-sabbath-school-class-nearly-divides-over-piano-being-moved-two-inches-to-the-left/

Every time someone asks why Adventism is shrinking in developed countries, we dust off the same line: “We just need to preach the truth more boldly.” But here’s the thing — the problem isn’t that people haven’t heard us. It’s that they don’t feel seen by us. Our message is beautiful. Our marketing is medieval. […] Source: https://atoday.org/the-real-reason-adventism-doesnt-grow-in-the-west-and-its-not-because-we-dont-preach-the-truth-enough/

Adventists are a special breed: committed, passionate, and often hilariously particular about… well, everything. If your goal is to alienate your friends while remaining a devout churchgoer, here’s a foolproof guide. 1. Correct Everyone’s Biblical Interpretation Whether it’s a casual dinner conversation or a friendly Bible study, interrupting people to explain why you are right […] Source: https://atoday.org/satire-how-to-lose-friends-and-alienate-people-adventist-edition/

SILVER SPRING, Maryland — Adventist pastors’ wives around the world are celebrating a groundbreaking victory with the announcement that they will be added to the official church payroll. General Conference Treasury Director Tom Briggins confirmed that pastors’ wives will be paid a stipend equal to 60-70% of local pastoral compensation. “Pastor’s Wife Stipend (PWS) is […] Source: https://atoday.org/satire-all-adventist-pastors-wives-to-be-compensated-for-pain-and-suffering/